Lynn (lynevere) wrote,

Douche Hair

My two favorite players in the NFL are Pittsburgh Steelers’ Troy Polamalu and Jeff Reed. Hair played a role in my rooting for both of them. Polamalu is an amazing safety with a great read on the ball. With his long curly (and insured) hair, I have an easy time noticing when he comes out of nowhere to make the tackle. I traditionally find it harder to root for the defense, but I’m a lot more engaged in the game when Polamalu is playing.

Jeff Reed is the Steelers’ place kicker, and I get great enjoyment out of his smile in the official picture. I first noticed him in 2006, when his hair was quite big. At the time, I thought it was a white man fro, but it appears to have been gel. He later frosted the ends of his hair and spiked it. (As of last Sunday’s game, Reed had very short hair and a beard.) Regardless, I like kickers, and Reed’s hair and smile gave me a reason to separate him from the other ones. He generally performs well under pressure, and I like his passion. I get a lot of flak from my brother-in-law Jason for rooting for Jeff Reed, though: Beyond being a Steeler, he apparently has “douche hair.”

What is “douche hair”? As far as I can tell, it’s any styling of male hair, with the theory being that any man who styles his hair is a douche. (This is clearly wrong, as I’ve known some very nice guys who style their hair.) In Reed’s case, yes, he does appear to style his hair to get noticed. But Jason also told me that (Spanish footballer) Fernando Torres’ hair qualified. I think Torres is only guilty of being European. Polamalu’s hair is Jason-approved. According to Jason, I’m allowed to root for douches, but I must be aware of said douchery.

I still think that’s an awful lot to read into hair. Jeff Reed does have some unfortunate pictures on the internet – posing shirtless with some women at a bar during his frosted hair days – but that doesn’t make him a douche. It makes him drunk one night in 2008. I will grant that not all players have similar incidents in their past. When arguing the point that lots of players would have similar pictures, I did a google search on Jacob’s favorite player, Joshua Cribbs. The top google hit for “joshua cribbs drunk” gave me a message board in which some guy argued that Cribbs should make more money. “Jeff Reed makes more than Joshua Cribbs, and he’s a drunk!”

Beyond that, though, I don’t know anything about Reed’s true character. Neither does Jason.

Open questions:

- Is it possible for a woman to have douche hair?

- Is hair styling the cause or the effect of douchery?

- If a man loses his douche hair, is he no longer a douche?
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